“Thing” Is the Worst Word in the English Language

27 Sep 2023 | ~2 minute read

I absolutely hate the word "thing". Like, seriously, what value does that word have? It adds nothing to a conversation and should be erased from the dictionary.

Picture the scene, dear reader; I'm in one room, and my kids are in another. Then, out of nowhere, one of them shouts:

Daaaaaaaaad, what's this thing here?

To which I usually respond with something like "what thing? use your bloody words!" And to my great annoyance, their response is usually something like:

This little thing by my bed.

How the fuck am I supposed to know what that "little thing" is next to your bed? I'm in another bloody room!

I don't use words like "fuck" in front of my kids. I'm just saying this for effect, chill your boots.

Then, a few minutes later I'll be met with a similar comment from my wife...

Kev, why has the light gone off on that thing in the bedroom?

I get even more annoyed at my wife when she does this as she should know better.

"USE YOUR FUCKING WORDS!!"

My wife usually gets annoyed at me at this point - understandably since I just swore at her - but in my defence, she is a grown fucking woman...and a teaching assistant at that. If there's anyone who should know how to use proper words, it's her!

The response I get back is often something like:

Ok, moody-arse...I'm talking about the round, white internet thing that's under the chair in the bedroom. Why is the light off?"

"THANK YOU! I can work with that...that's the access point and the lights go off in the evening so they don't annoy us in bed."

Like, was it really that hard to form that sentence? I don't think so.

Please stop using "thing"

I'd like to start a petition, dear reader. The next time you hear someone describing an object as "that thing" you have my permission to slap their face.

"Thing" is an atrocious word that has no place being used as an adjective. It's a useless supplement for the tens of thousands of wonderful words we have in the English language.

Please, stop doing this thing.

• Opinion