The Bum Gun

06 May 2024 | ~3 minute read

My wife and I recently discovered a bum gun in one of our bathrooms at home. It gave me quite the shock!

So this weekend, the kids went to their nan's to stay for a few days while my wife and I sorted some stuff out at home. We moved them into their new bedrooms, and moved us from the spare room, into what was their shared bedroom.

Nextdoor to our new bedroom is a bathroom that was converted by the previous owner to a disabled bathroom for her elderly mum. At some point we will re-do this bathroom, and it will become the en-suite for our bedroom, but for now, it will do.

Anyway, in that bathroom is this massive toilet:

Our disabled toilet

The toilet has power going to it and I've never understood why. I just assumed that it was some kind of power assisted flush system, as it's really easy to flush, for obvious reasons. But while we were moving the room around, we noticed a fused spur on the other side of the bathroom wall, in our bedroom.

It was switched off, so I decided to switch it on to see if we could work out what it was connected to. Nothing beeped. No lights came on, and nothing exploded. So I forgot about it and went about the rest of my day.

That was until my wife went to the toilet later on. You see, when she got up off the toilet and flushed, what can only be described as the bathroom equivalent of the Alien mouth popped out and squirted a jet of water right into my wife's face.

Alien mouth
The Alien mouth (not my toilet)

She screamed. I ran into the bathroom, thinking something bad had happened, then quickly fell about laughing. It seems we had worked out what the fused spur was for. 🤣

Here's a video of The Bum Gun in action:

Testing it out

I mean, we had to, right? I was eager as a beaver to get on that toilet and experience The Bum Gun for myself. Can't say I've had my bum jet washed before, so I sat down, prepared myself, and hit the flush.

Boy was it strange! That thing must have some kind of heat-seeking targeting system, because that cold jet of water hit right on the bloody bullseye!

Shocked, I let out a little yelp and then, to my astonishment, it started blow drying my arse!

Yes, that's right. Not only is The Bum Gun a heat-seeking bum cleaner, it dries it for you too! Intrigued, I wanted to work out why the drier hadn't come on before, and it seems there's a pressure switch on the toilet seat that activates it.

Like, seriously. Fuck AI, or your smart toaster, my toilet is smart as fuck! Someone should give my toilet a PhD.

It's fair to say, people, I don't think I'll ever use toilet paper again. This thing has changed my life.

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