I Didn't Fail
A good friend of mine at work was recently promoted to the same level as I was before I stepped down. I'm happy for him, as he's a good friend and it's nice to see people achieve their goals.
However, a day or so after he told me the news, I found myself feeling jealous. After taking some time to think through my feelings, I think it's all ego.
You see, he will now be one of only 2 people in our department at that level. He will also get his own office (my old office, actually), and likely an assistant too. But he will also get the kudos of being the chief.
What being the chief gave me
Some days I miss being the chief. I was a global executive at one of the biggest banks on the planet before I was 40. I think that’s impressive, and I was proud of that.
I felt validated, like I was winning. I felt like I'd proven something to myself, that the scruffy kid from the council estate with no degree could succeed. No, further. That kid had won.
But what did being the chief give me? Well, it gave me long days, late nights, lots of travel, and huge amounts of stress.
I knew that before I went into the role. These are very difficult roles to be successful in, and they're not for everyone. Shit, they're not for most people.
It wasn't for me.
So I stepped down, and there are times when I feel like I've walked away from something important. Like I've diminished myself. Like I've failed.
Now it’s my friend’s turn to step up. To be the chief. If I’m honest with myself, he’ll probably be better at that level than I ever was. And that made me jealous.
I wrote the following in my journal:
Since finding out that [person's name] is taking the new exec position, I've honestly been a little jealous. Mainly because of my ego; that he's gonna be chief, and I'm not any more.
But then today I had a really productive day. You know, the kinda day where you get a lot of shit done and you just feel good at end of it. Busy, but not overwhelmed.
I'm happy.
I don't need to be the chief. What I need is to be happy.
I've worked through that pang of jealousy I had for my mate's new role; I'm genuinely happy for him and I'll do my best to support him in any way I can.
As for me, I stepped down to have less stress. To spend more time with my wife and kids. To go back to doing a job I know I'm good at. To be happy. And even though I'm no longer the chief, I now have all those things.
I didn't fail. I stepped down because I didn’t want what the role required. And occasionally, my ego forgets that.